who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize