Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize