I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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