tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
