He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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