im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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