I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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