its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
