She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
