I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
