he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
