I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
