i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
