my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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