I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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