even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
