it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
