A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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