I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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