Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
