Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
