the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
