I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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