Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Can Purell be used as lube?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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