peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm like, not good at living.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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