WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
