Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
