I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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