I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
