Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
