So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
