when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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