that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
