I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize