He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
