Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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