he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
