I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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