I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
