no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I am one with the molecules
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
