its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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