I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
