So drunk its hurt
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize