Where are you?
In a non slutty way
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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