She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
