If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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