In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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