**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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