Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
