Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize