I think I won the penis lottery.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
