the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
