I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
