last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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