You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
