I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
