Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
