They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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