I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
