I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
