dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
