you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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