i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Boobs speak an international language.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
