I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
