I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
