I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
