I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
