'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Drunk is not a location!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize