Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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