So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
