Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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